No Good In Bed, But Fine Against A Wall.

I’ve got some stupid non-Hollywood Gossip things to do tonight, so here are some funny quotes my mom sent me.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

Image Source: Life of Mike